Is romance too much to hope for at this point?

Okay ladies, is it just me or would this make you mad as well?

I recently told my husband that a man had asked the Mr. Mysterious in my life (refer to Temptations post) if I was single, which is a true story. It is what started stirring all these thoughts and emotions in me, and started some amazing conversations with Mr. Mysterious. But after I told my husband about this inquiry he told me that he wanted to go away with me for a weekend. He has to go to a work conference on Thursday this week and said that he'd like to take the following Friday off and take me with him for the weekend. Fine. He's obviously trying to show interest in me, so I owe it to him to give him a shot, right? Well, guess what - now he wants me to plan the whole thing!!! If HE wants to take me away for a nice weekend, doesn't that mean that HE should be the one to make it happen?? I mean, come on!! What happened to him wanting to do something nice for me?

Am I totally crazy for being mad about this? Is it just way too far gone at this point to hope for a little romance? Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but it seems like a good sign to me that this marriage is dead.

Holidays

Holidays are always hard for me. I first discovered my husband's addiction to pornography just before Christmas, so unfortunately my Christmas memories are always tainted. Thanksgiving and Christmas also bring time spent with our families. I both love and hate spending time with my husband's family. They are wonderful people. I am truly thankful to have them as my in-laws; we all get along really well and we enjoy eachother's company. However, none of them have any clue about what's really going on between my husband and I. If they knew, they would tear in to him mercilessly - especially my mother-in-law. She absolutely believes that I am God's gift to her son, and that I can do no wrong. She would be so mad at him if only she knew how he treats me. Hiding my true feelings towards my husband is very difficult when I'm around her and the rest of his family. But the hardest thing about spending time with them is that my husband is often more affectionate towards me when we're with them. The last time that he showed any physical attraction to me in bed was Thanksgiving three years ago - when his entire family was asleep in our living room! You might think this would make me happy, but no - it just makes me mad. Why does he do it around them? Is he just faking? Is he trying to make them think everything's fine? Does he feel pressured? There is the slim chance, I suppose, that he enjoys seeing me interact with his family, but I highly doubt it. He always dreads seeing them, and talks as if having a family is just something he has to put up with, but when we actually see them he really seems to enjoy it. I know he cares for his brother and sisters very deeply, but he hides it. In the end I just don't understand at all - and when I don't understand something I want to ask questions and talk about it. No way. I don't even try to talk to my husband anymore. It just makes him unbearably angry and makes me cry. So what's a girl to do? Wouldn't things only be much, much worse if I left him?

So what would my life be like if I left my husband?

I moved out twice already, but I obviously came back. I used to say that even if I couldn't stay with my husband I would never marry again, because I still love him and am committed to him even if I can't be with him. But I'm tired. I'm tired of being the only one fighting for this marriage. I'm tired of feeling worthless and ugly. Most people have told me that I have every right to leave him, so what's keeping me here? Is it really my loving commitment to him? or is it just fear of being alone?

Happily Married - a myth?

Is it possible to be happily married anymore? Sometimes I wonder... Is there anyone out there who's still in love with their spouse? Who still enjoys passionate kisses?

Temptations

It is a powerful thing to feel beautiful in the eyes of a man.

A man has recently entered my life, and he has awoken something in me that I believe has long been dormant. I shall call him Mr. Mysterious, because he has not let me get to know much about him. He has been a harbinger of things both good and bad.

He is extremely handsome, and so kind and caring. He gave me the attention that I've been so deprived of - the attention and affection of a man. I was so stunned by even the hint of a thought that a man might still be attracted to me, even with all the weight I've gained since my marriage started failing. It still stuns me; I don't know what to think or how I'm feeling. I feel like this wall I built around me to protect myself has crumbled, and now I'm flooded with these thoughts and emotions and desires that I thought I'd successfully buried. What am I doing? What's going on? All of a sudden my head and heart are full of doubt, of questions, of desires, of temptations. What if…?

If Mr. Mysterious and his friend can find me attractive, perhaps some other man will as well. So that leaves me with a very important question - do I continue to wait for my husband, to wait for something from him that might never come, or do I move on? I thought that I had answered that question: yes, no matter if nothing ever changes I will still stay by my husband because I believe in the wonderful man I know is hiding beneath the exterior. But now... if it really is possible for a man to want to touch me, to want to kiss me, to desire me... well... that seems to have changed things.

A blog about love and mascara stains

My husband is addicted to pornography. I discovered this just before our second Christmas together as a married couple. That was in 2002, about a year and a half into our marriage. It is now nearing the end of 2006 and I am still waiting the chance to talk about this with my husband - the man I love.

This blog is meant to be an outlet for me. I have a few friends that I have shared my struggles with, but none of them are close by. Most days I feel totally alone, and I spend a lot of time crying. Practically every pillow case I own is covered with mascara stains from my tears, hence the title of this blog. I am confident that I am not the only woman out there who is struggling in a marriage with a man addicted to porn. So I invite you to share your stories of love, tears, and mascara stains. May we all find comfort and encouragement in knowing we are not alone.

My husband is an expert at making me feel like an idot. Are all husbands like that? It can come in the form of a sidelong glance, a full out glare, or that slow way of explaining something that oozes with child-like "I know the answer and you don't!" Or in my case, it's evolved beyond these more subtle tactics into the battle zone of... silence.