Holidays

Holidays are always hard for me. I first discovered my husband's addiction to pornography just before Christmas, so unfortunately my Christmas memories are always tainted. Thanksgiving and Christmas also bring time spent with our families. I both love and hate spending time with my husband's family. They are wonderful people. I am truly thankful to have them as my in-laws; we all get along really well and we enjoy eachother's company. However, none of them have any clue about what's really going on between my husband and I. If they knew, they would tear in to him mercilessly - especially my mother-in-law. She absolutely believes that I am God's gift to her son, and that I can do no wrong. She would be so mad at him if only she knew how he treats me. Hiding my true feelings towards my husband is very difficult when I'm around her and the rest of his family. But the hardest thing about spending time with them is that my husband is often more affectionate towards me when we're with them. The last time that he showed any physical attraction to me in bed was Thanksgiving three years ago - when his entire family was asleep in our living room! You might think this would make me happy, but no - it just makes me mad. Why does he do it around them? Is he just faking? Is he trying to make them think everything's fine? Does he feel pressured? There is the slim chance, I suppose, that he enjoys seeing me interact with his family, but I highly doubt it. He always dreads seeing them, and talks as if having a family is just something he has to put up with, but when we actually see them he really seems to enjoy it. I know he cares for his brother and sisters very deeply, but he hides it. In the end I just don't understand at all - and when I don't understand something I want to ask questions and talk about it. No way. I don't even try to talk to my husband anymore. It just makes him unbearably angry and makes me cry. So what's a girl to do? Wouldn't things only be much, much worse if I left him?