The Talk Show dream

I'm watching The Greg Behrendt Show right now and he just talked with this couple who haven't had sex in three months. The wife's story sounds so much like mine, only for me it's been about 5 years!!! Her husband has a lot of self-esteem issues and is depressed about his own life and what he's become because of a back injury that has kept him from working, and also some apparent problems in the bedroom. Well, yeah, I completely understand. My own husband's reasons for being depressed and not liking himself may be different, but his reactions and behavior are exactly the same. There is no affection. He could go months (not just weeks, like the wife on the show said about her husband) without even touching me. Greg and his psychotherapist had some very strong things to say to the husband. I have dreamed of appearing on a talk show like Greg B. The people with situations like this couple always seem to be so thankful that they finally got things out in the open and that they are finally going to get the counseling or help that they need. I know that Greg would freak out if I told him my story with my husband. I can only imagine what he and his psychotherapist would say. Sometimes I really wish I could do it. But my husband would never stand for it. He would be mortified and would probably never speak to me again. Would it be totally wrong for me to do it? Some days I'm just so desperate...

Never again

I'm never going to feel sexy or beautiful again. I'm confident of that now. As long as I am married to this man I will never be seen as sexy. I will never look good enough for him.

There and Back Again...

It's been a very long time since I posted. I'm not going to appologize, because I'm 99.9% positive that nobody's reading this blog. So why am I posting again now? Well, perhaps it'd be better to start with why I haven't posted since November.

Many things have changed in my marriage since November. In my last post I told you that my husband wanted to take me away with him for a long weekend, but that he had completely expected me to plan and arrange it all. Idiot. Well, I did plan and arrange everything and we went away without too much hooplah. While he was doing his work thing I visited with a very close friend who happens to live in that area. She is one of my precious few friends who knows the truth about my marriage. In talking with her she continued to encourage me to pluck up my courage, explain to my husband what was going on within me, and move out of the house again. I struggled with the timing of when to do this. I had planned for my husband and I to spend the entire next day together at a very quaint, touristy town that we'd enjoyed visiting previously. I could tell him my thoughts that night, but then what would happen to our plans for the next day? For that matter, could I stand to be in the car with him for 3 hours after admitting that I wanted to move out? I am truly terrified of my husband's anger at times, especially when he gets behind the wheel. He has put my life in danger more than once when he has gotten mad while driving. But, if I decided not to tell him thoughts that night could I really go through the whole next day with him with that on mind - feeling as though I was being fake and pretending that everything was okay when it really wasn't? What would happen when we got home and I told him everything and he realized that I had been "holding it in" until we got home? That just didn't seem to be fair to him, or to me. Well, we got into a huge fight that night anyway, slept in the separate beds in the hotel room, and we didn't talk. So what happened the next day? Low and behold, we actually enjoyed each other. Crap. We laughed, and actually managed to sit across from each other at a restaurant without becoming consumed by awkward silence. I don't even remember what we talked about. It certainly wasn't important. The important (and surprising) thing was that we talked at all. Crap, crap, crap. I didn't get up the courage to say anything to him all weekend.

Not too long after that trip a moment came that just felt right. I told my husband of these other men who had shown interest in me, and of how that made me feel, of how it had awakened in me these feelings and desires that I had purposely killed. I told him of how I was feeling that I needed to move out again. I think I mentioned something about getting myself healthy again and how I wasn't sure I could do that being around him. I know I told him that I didn't trust him anymore and that I was pretty sure he didn't trust me either. I told him we couldn't get that trust back until we're willing to talk about what broke our trust to begin with, and I said that he's not willing to talk to me so I just don't think I can keep waiting around for something that may never happen. I confessed this all to him, and to my utter amazement -- he listened. He actually listened! He didn't turn around and walk out of the room, or ignore me like usual. He sat and paid attention to me and to what I was saying. It was... encouraging. I kept going. I told him of how I longed for even just one kiss by another man, especially Mr. Mysterious - longed for it so much that it scared me. I said "I just want to sin so badly..." And at that he cut me off with a "Fine" and walked out of the room and went to bed. Needless to say, things were a little rough the next morning getting ready for work, but on the way home at the end of the day he again surprised me with a very level-headed discussion. Eventually, I tearfully told him that I know deep down I don't want to have something like cheating on my husband on my conscience for the rest of my life. I told him that I wouldn't see Brian one on one anymore. He said that he hoped I was making that decision for my own sake, rather than just for him. He then told me that he'd spent the whole day trying to convince himself that he should fight for me. He said that he's never fought for anything in his entire life. That he's always just settled for whatever he's been dealt. Thinking back, I can see how that could be true. But then he said that if it was going to be some kind of standoff between him and another man that he just wasn't going to have any part of it. We also talked about options for living situations. He said he really didn't want me to have to move out, but he seemed open to it. Again, the discussion was alarmingly calm, and left me feeling optimistic.


So... all this happened back in December. Yeah. It's now the end of April. What happened in between? I don't remember exactly. Partly because I decided that we needed to just get really drunk one night and say everything that we've wanted to say to each other. What's the point of keeping it in any longer, you know? So, we did. And then we ended up kissing. And then we ended up in the bedroom. It was wonderful. Then it happened again a couple days later. Then again the next week. All the time he kept saying "I definitely think we're moving in the right direction." So, all in all, things really started to look like they were turning around for us. I didn't really feel like I could post much on this blog because, well, there were no mascara stains. That's not to say that everything was perfect. Far from it. But we were connecting again, and he was making efforts.

So why am I here tonight? My husband went to bed early and left his laptop sitting out here next to the couch. I had to check. I don't know if I should have or not, but I did. I started by looking at his web browser history. I found some pornographic sites and images that he visited. But then I went through his files saved on his computer and I found LOTS of pornography. Several times since he's gotten his laptop I've asked him about whether or not I should be concerned. He's looked me straight in the eyes and said "no, there's nothing there." He takes the laptop with him every day to work, and I've asked him if that's because he's afraid to leave it home with me where I could find stuff on it that shouldn't be there. He's looked me straight in the eyes and said "no, absolutely not." What am I supposed to do now?